Monday, November 22, 2010

t-giving blues

This morning, I decided to be a poopy pants blogger and tell the ENTIRE WORLD that I am taking a T-giving internet machine break.

Do you want to know why? Because I'm the T-giving Grinch this year. I just overheard a woman at a diner talk about how she just couldn't wait to get the Holidays over with and my immediate reaction was, "Oh I just can't stand people that are so bah-humbug about Holidays" and here I am microsoft painting my feelings away.

I could be real chipper dipper and tell you everything I am thankful for (I will try not to get nausea reading the 1,000,0008498759827489 things people are thankful for this week -see...there I go again being a big fat grinch) because of course, and I hope you know this, I am so blessed and thankful for many things.


I am sad.

Everything is changing so fast. It has felt that way since college. I just feel like I have been inside of some wonderful tornado giving blessings and changing everything I have known all at the same time. Thanksgiving will not ever be the same for me again. I can't go back "home" because the family and home that was once there is not (this is my inner divorced child speaking). And that's okay, life evolves and things change and I have my big girl panties on and can deal with that but Holidays like Thanksgiving just bring the memories to life and I can't help but feel......sadness.

Last year I was planning my visit home to Norton to spend time with Mamaw. Last Thanksgiving she was feeling better. This Thanksgiving she is gone.

Last Thanksgiving Mamaw gave the prayer and she cried the entire way through it just as I am crying all the way through writing this. I wonder if she knew it was her last Thanksgiving? I guess none of us really know.

Today and this week, I am happy for you, I really am. I can't wait to read over all of your posts and pictures about your family celebrations. But for me, this week is a little sad. I am mourning over the death of not only my Mamaw but my past. Maybe this is necessary to move on to my new family? Maybe we all mourn the loss of our childhood as we move into this new phase in life? Maybe when I have my own babies and start new traditions with my lil' Crummett family I will not feel this way?

But for now, I hope you don't mind, but I think I am going to take the week off to take care of myself. I get to sing on Friday and that will surely be a bright spot. I know she is watching me.

Love and blessings.


Angie said...

Sending love your way <3. This is also my first Thanksgiving without my Grandma - we always had every Holiday at her house. She had a stroke a week after Thanksgiving and died Christmas day. Thanksgiving was the last time I saw her alert and herself. I wish I would've stayed there longer, if only I could have known. It will never be the same... but hopefully, in the future, we'll make new traditions.

Thinking of you during the Holidays... xoxo!

P.S. - Andy is working 7am-7pm thanksgiving day so I'll be home by my lonesome {I figured I'd keep my grinch-ish ways to myself that day} so if you want to have a glass of wine and be thanksgiving grinches, let me know!

Valerie said...

Thank you for your comment Ang. I too go through rounds of beating myself up thinking, "Why, why didn't I just stay one more hour...if I would have just held onto her hand just a little longer" If I only knew....

I might have to take you up on that glass of wine love and yes, we have lots of new traditions to make with our new families. xoxo

PJH said...

I'm sorry you're sad but I'm glad you wrote about it. I think that is the first step in mourning and moving on to making new traditions. I will be thinking of you and sending my love <3. PS, let me know where you're singing on Friday!

Amber said...

oh my gosh, I feel you 100 percent on this post. My parents got divorced my freshman year of college, which just felt like too much change to happen all at once. And now, I spend at least part of all my holidays with my husband's family, and while they're nice, their traditions are totally different from all of ours and it makes me feel like an interloper. You're not alone in this feeling...I weeped listening to the Home Alone theme in my car today. "Somewhere In My Memory" indeed.

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