Monday, August 29, 2011

there is only one of you in all time

"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is on a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."

Martha Graham

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

did you hear about the earthquake?

via here and lots of people's facebook

Where were you when Virginia stopped turning, that August day?  Okay..bad joke.  South Park ruined that song for me anyways. (and no, it is never my choice to watch South Park...someone else that I live with whose name rhymes with Mandrew is a wee bit obsessed)

I can't wait to be old and crotchety and get to tell my grandbabies about the earthquake that rocked our world.  

And what's up with people not letting us easterners have our moment in earthquake glory.  Why do people puff up and want to play "i've had it worse"....ah.  who knows.  some strange sociological phenomenon that I can ponder on for the week.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

the wants. a post to myself.

You know what always happens to me in the fall?  I get the wants.  I'm sure it has to do with marketing strategies but I also still cling to the idea that I can "start over" with the new school year.  And now that I work in a school, I reallllly have an itch for it.

So this is a post to myself.  To remind myself that you have had the gimmies a lot in life and none of those dear objects will, as you usually say when you are throwing a temper tantrum, "going to make my life easier/better/organized/put together"

My first gimmie that I can remember was a Poly Pocket.  

I can remember wanting one soooo bad and I just KNEW that when I got a Polly Pocket my life would be better.  I would be entertained for hours and I would be able to whip mine out at friends house and show them that I, too, was cool enough for Polly.

Except....I have big hands and it was really difficult for me to place Polly in the .5mm chair she was supposed to sit in.  I'm pretty sure I ditched Polly after a few days.

My next gimmie was a Jacksonville Jaguars Starter Jacket.  This was in 5th grade.  I don't know why...but this was the thing I just HAD to have.  I remember begging my parents for one.  And I knew, I just KNEW that when I got one and wore it around school I would instantly have more friends.  
Well......that never really panned out for me.  I just looked like a skinny white girl with freckles wearing a huge starter jacket.  I think I lost friends with this one. 

My next gimmie was a 17th Street Surf Shop t-shirt.  By then I was in middle school and mixed in with the oh so cool beach kids.  I just knew, if I had one of those shirts everyone would think I was super cool and not living down the road in military housing playing in dumpsters (true story).  

welp..we all can guess how that went over as well.

High School came around and that was an era full of "oh my god, if I could just have a CKone sweatshirt or all of my clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch life would be AMAZING". didn't get too amazing.  

College was a sea of gimmies.  I was a fish out of water.  I was still hoping to snag a CKone shirt and these girls were dripping in David Yurman, Tiffanys, and Lily Pulitzer.  

I knew I didn't stand a chance.  So I drowned my sorrows in pizza, beer, and a good extra 20lbs by senior year.
Needless to say, I have been playing this game with myself for a long time.  Since moving to the farm and getting out of any type of "scene" I realize how happy I am with so little and my favorite place to shop is vintage stores and goodwill. 
But.  There are days.  There are days when I have a temper tantrum because, well, dammit, I just want to have pretty molding and expensive rugs and drapes and pictures on the walls and kitchen floors without lighting bolts going through them.  My wants have matured into adult wants....but they are wants all the same. 

The gimmies.  They always getcha, don't they? 

Right now I feel like the only way I can succeed in life is if I have the following:
 an "I am smart and organized" brown leather bag. 

 Entire wardrobe from B.R.

 They never stop.  The dishes just never stop.

 I would be so cool, hip, and on top of my shiz with this.

hours are spent dreaming of a new camera.  *sigh*

But guess what self, you would probably get all these new gadgets and LIFE WOULDN'T BE BETTER!

So take a lesson from your own book and stop the wants.  And as mom would say, "it's the inside that counts"

(but I kinda sorta feel like life would change with an ipad---just sayin')

Thursday, August 18, 2011

sweating less

This piece of art made me do one of those silent giggles at my desk....but enough of a giggle where you are just making that weird throat noise.

Wanna hear some good news?!

1.  My invitations are printed and assembly is ready.  I'm in love.  They came together so much better than I imagined!  (sneak peek as soon as I mail!)

2.  We are going to see GILLIAN WELCH tonight.  I am excited for two reasons:  one, I get a date night in the middle of the week, and two, I am in LOVE with Gillian.  

3.  My mom is coming into town this weekend!  

4.  I'm sweating less!  Yes, Virginia is cooling down.  

see ya later

Friday, August 12, 2011

people of the world! happy friday!

This weekend I will be swimming laps in this ocean pool...

I kid.

That pool is actually my worst nightmare.  Even though I grew up at the beach, my heart has always been for the mountains.  I don't like sand getting everywhere or getting super hot or having to slather on SPF every 5 minutes (let's go Irish) or getting killed and attacked by sea creatures.  And waves are the most frightening thing that one in the picture that looks like it could rip you from the ocean pool. 

Give me a mountain pool any day of the week.  Heck..just give me a creek.

I am headed to my best friends baby shower this weekend!!!!  I cannot wait to see her and that belly.  This is my first best friend having a baby...and it is so exciting/scary.  I am just glad she is going first so she can tell me the Gods honest truth on what to expect.  Every rip and tear. (ouch..too much?)  Is that selfish?  maybe... 

I am in charge of planning the games/schedule of the shower.  I thought I was really funny when I told her that we were playing a modified twister game, but only using our hands on her belly.  Note to future non-preggars planners out there:  do not joke about worst case scenario baby games to your pregnant friend.  She loves me...but she thought I was serious and now we are just laughin' and laughin' over it.  (or maybe I just still am?)

The one baby game that I am insisting we play is "who's water is gonna break?" .  So you put a tiny plastic baby in an icecube tray (yes, at Michaels yesterday I had to specifically ask where their tiny plastic babies were) and then you put one ice cube baby in each drink and whoevers ice cube melts first to release the baby wins a prize!  

Tell me that isn't the creepiest/greatest game ever?  I'll tell you how it goes over---might just be me giggling in a corner.

OH and one last thing.  I will be singing this Sunday for a very good cause.  "Music For MaDee" is an event  presented by the MaDee Project, a project developed in memory of MaDee Boxler to assist pediatric cancer patients in Virginia.  I will be singing at 5:00 and there will be food, vendors, and my favorite featherhead will be there feathering and selling some of her awesome jewelry.  Come on out!!!!  

Thursday, August 11, 2011

boots and bit

 Excuse my blurry camera phone pics.  Olivia is getting used to Lil' Bit (seems that is the name that has stuck...maybe until he the size of our other 20 lb cat).  But only sorta.  She has come out of her corner and now allows LB to be in the same room as her.  She even got up on the couch while Andrew was holding her.  But as you can see from the picture, she still has that "I swear, if you get close to me, I will break some ass up in here" look on her face 24/7.

Happy Thursday....almost Friday!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

trust me.

Yesterday was such a good day.
A "pinch me" day.
I felt alive and happy.
I even got to sing for some sweet souls yesterday and then took a car ride through the valley where I took this picture.
yes, yesterday I had it all together.
and then at 1:00 am I woke up in a panic.  
I had forgotten to call my Dad on his birthday.  
The kitten woke up shortly after and I had to put my worries aside to feed him, trying (and failing) not to be angry at his growing belly.  
little sleep was had.
And this morning before work, while calling my Dad to apologize--to make up for that missed phone call--I felt myself crumple up inside.  I cried one of those "ugly face" cries.  
I felt someone rubbing my wet, stringy hair, telling me it was okay and then he played our favorite Maya Angelou interview on the television so I could walk out of the door, puffy faced, but trying to make my world a better place.  

we are human beings. 

we stand up and then fall

over and over
in a course of a lifetime.
we laugh and then we cry
over and over
in a course of a lifetime.

we suffer

over and over.
we pour out joy
over and over.

we are tides

coming in
going out
smooth at sea one day
swells and spray the next.

we search

over and over
for the meaning of it all.
and just when we think we have found it
we lose it
over and over.

what keeps us turning?

what keeps us searching?
I don't know the answer.
But I feel the answer.
Inside of me.  Scratching to escape.
Quietly whispering, trust me.

trust me.

in me.

at times it screams through my body.

taking forms of sickness or disease.
but when I listen, the calm begins.

trust me.

in me.

i have felt like an octopus,

tentacles radically reaching out
from the stem of my body
grasping at what it can hold onto to feed.

and then a little voice says

trust me.

in me.

lay your hand on your heart, on your stomach.

lean into each breath
you are good, child.
you are good.

trust me

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Scenes from another trailer

"If you wanna live to see tomorrow You better start fryin' them eggs a little bit better then what you been fryin' them.  I'm tired of eating sloppy, slimey eggs."

Marriage is tough.  I haven't even officially entered into it yet and I know this.  Good thing we have friends like Jesco White to set us straight.  And if you were wondering if he was up for grabs again ladies.....alas, he just got married.  

Monday, August 8, 2011

inspirational posters make me happy.

Grabbed this from a friends FB wall. 
And on this Monday my dears, I like it.  I like it a lot. 

Friday, August 5, 2011

a new lil' one and elephantiasis

Some of you have seen on facebook that we have a new addition to the family.  A little baby kitten was left on the farm with no mom in sight....until I came around.  

Andrew called me and said, "I have a present for you.  Guess what it is?  It's something you probably never thought I would give you"

New floors for the love trailer? 
You cleaned the hair out of the drain?
You fixed the front door so we don't have to pick it up with both hands on the handle and shift it into place? 
You built me a deck?
Cleaned out my car?

after my series of secret chores that I wish he would surprise me with he finally let the cat out of the bag.  (there's a knee slapper for you)

  A new baby kitten for me to nurse back to health!!!  dreams do come true.

This little girl/guy is melting my heart.  And Andrew's.  I almost cried when I first saw it because I just think it is so sad that it doesn't have a mom or brothers and sisters to play with.  It looked up at me with those little crusty kitty eyes and said, "are you my mom?" just like Babe the pig did to the sheep dog in the barn.  

(i love this movie and will admit that I own the soundtrack.)

So my days and nights have revolved around the lil' one lately.  We are bottle feeding it and wiping it down all day long.  I even have a little rice pack that Mamaw had made me that I heat up and put in its little bed so it can have something warm next to it. 

I'm hoping that was just some spit up milk. 

Olivia is not dealing well with this.  The pups LOVE the kitten but Olivia hissed when she saw it and has been hiding out in a corner of the house.  My dreams of her taking over mothering the baby have gone down the toilet.  She will always be my #1 baby cat though.

oh and about the elephantiasis.  Andrew got stung by some ground hornets last night and had to use his epi pen and go to the urgent care up the street.  He is okay now but it was quite a scare in bee land.  His entire arm and leg are so swollen and since he allowed me to take a picture of his hands I assume that means he doesn't care if I post it all over the internet. (aren't those unspoken laws?)

poor thing.  It is even worse this morning. 

Very adventurous around the Kingdom of Traiylor lately. 


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Swanna what?

Okay.  I've come down from my Swananoa high.  It was quite a buzz and I flatlined when I got home (as expected) when you leave this utopia world.

So what is this band camp that I have been yaking about?  It is one of the most beautiful places in the world held at Warren Wilson College.  Each day I took four classes (co-writing, songwriting your story, vocal masterclass, and how to get unstuck in songwriting). I had no pressure assignments but I was constantly working on ideas.  It is amazing how your brain just sorta opens up and lets so much creativy come out when you aren't worried about cooking, cleaning, wedding planning, and that thing called work.

Every night we would have some sort of concert to go to and then we would have song circles.  A beer and food tent was set up and then people stayed out all hours of the night just sitting around playing songs for each other.  It is magical.  

It is really something to have strangers from all over the country come together and create this community that supports and loves everyone.  I cried more times in front of people than I would like to admit...but your heart really just does pour out when people let you into beautiful moments in their lives through song.  

My goals for the week were to release and stretch......and I can tell you I did a lot of both.  I'm really proud of myself (can I say that?  its my blog...yes I can).  I let myself free this trip.  I stopped myself from "proving" myself as a musician.  I let my heart open to the experience.  And I grew and grew even more.

Typical class room setting.  This was from my cowriting class with Jon Vezner.  

 Flashback to dorm living.  No ac.  No comfy mattress.  Community showers.  I do not miss dorm living. 

 First day of class!  

I even found some horses and a barn on Warren Wilson Campus.  Felt just like home!

I could go on and on and on about this place but it really is something you have to experience for yourself!  One more year until Swannanoa 2012!
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