two thousand twenty twelve

12:00 a.m., New Years Day.  Pimp ass entertainment system pictured in back of photo along with 30 lb weights that keep our door from flying open.

What has this year meant to me?  I've been thinking about this all morning.  We humans tend to do that on Jan. 1 of any year.  I thought back on the beginning of last year and I can't really remember anything.  I remember the winter being long and hard as it usually seems to be.  The wedding was over.  Cold had set in.  We were trying for a baby and it wasn't happening.  I slowly found my way back into a *funk*.  

I remember May and feeling the layers peal off bit by bit as spring arrived.  Andrew and I sat down and  discussed not putting pressure on ourselves to conceive.  No more looking at the calendar and feeling that monthly disappointment.  Let's just wait, we said.  Things are starting to look up and heck, we could try and save some more money, drink some more beer, and take a wild trip somewhere.  

Guess what happened the month we stopped "trying".  

2012 has made me look at my body in wonder.  I no longer look at my body as sexy, and I don't mean that in a negative way.  I grew up and realize that my body is so much more than just a size or shape that fit some idealistic image of what would please myself and my husband.  It became this vessel, stretching and reforming to carry life.  Although I couldn't appreciate it in the moment most of the time because I felt so sick, I am in awe of the process.  Look at what I (we) have created.

I am 33 weeks pregnant.  I feel her move more than ever now.  Andrew interacts with her everyday.  She surely will know who he is when she looks into his eyes.  I worry and pray that she is healthy and that I have done a good job taking care of her.  They say this is just the start of a mother's worry.  

2013 will be one of the most transformative years of our lives.  I sit in our *almost* finished nursery and stare at her crib.  I look at my body in the mirror and continue to watch it prepare itself automatically for her arrival.  It is such an out of body experience.  I think I have said that before but I don't know another way to put it.  

2013 will be the year I watch our hearts grow.

2013 will be the year that our patience is tested.

2013 will be the year that I live in the moment.  

2013 will be the year we become a mother and father.

Blessings, love, and light to everyone in the new year!   

ps.  2013 will also be the year that I:

*spend more time with friends

*keep up with laundry

*quit biting my nails FOR GOOD

*stay healthy and active

*post too many photos of my belly & baby (#sorryimnotsorry)

*stop reading trashy websites (wait..that's too hard...must.resist.internet.gossip)