image found here.
I've had a little bug in my brain the last few weeks, constantly going on and on about all of the things I still need to do, if I am doing what I am already doing right, and on and on. I think deep down I knew that I would struggle with this bug at some point of the pregnancy, but it is still hard to work through. I spilled the beans to my midwife at my last appointment--that I've felt anxious lately, worried that I am doing things all wrong, disappointing people, and most of all worried that I was passing along any stress to my baby.
She said all the things I needed to hear. One of her best lines was:
"You only need a place for her to sleep and a car seat. The rest is all fluff."
It is so hard to not get wrapped up in the fluff, especially when the little pregnancy bug is telling you that your nursery must be PERFECT or somehow you have failed. Wha what??? I've got enough perspective with myself to realize that that is nothing but crazy talk in my head. But it creeps up---I think a lot of women go through this. And when you don't have the largest budget (um..make that any budget) to try and make it happen, it can compound even more.
My other stress has been work. With my brain pulled in 10 different directions and my energy level shooting highs and lows, it has been pretty difficult to feel my best there. And I want to. I want to do a good job, so when I feel like I am lacking I create yet another made up scenario that I am disappointing everyone, including myself.
So I am taking a step back. I'll continue to take this day by day and realize that I am doing the best I can do. I'm at the cusp of the biggest life change in my life, both personally and professionally. I don't think the magnitude of it all hit me until these past two weeks.
But under all of this is excitement. I know my heart is ready for this. I just have to catch my brain up to speed. I fell instantly in love with this quote from Rumi. It is a strange pull, this little one inside. She is leading me into a life unknown. But I know I am not being led astray.