feet and such

I am officially on my way to being a stage mother.

Last night was my first game as "coach". I nervously sat each girl down in-between practicing cheers and tied huge white bows in their hair. I bent down to pick something up and got a little whiff of something special. My Secret was not being so secretive. I was sweating bullets.

I watched the clock tick down before quarters and made sure they were ready to go out.

"okay. now remember to start slow. take a big, deep, breathe. And smile. Don't forget to smile. And......"

I stopped myself because their eyes were starting to glaze over.

The buzzer went off and I scurried across the floor in my work heels to the middle row of bleachers. Front row. I neurotically sat bobbing my head, smiling like a banchee, and standing up clapping furiously after they finished.

I am so proud of these little chickadees.

As I sat back down, I took a look at my feet. Probably because they were screaming at me. And I thought to myself, How did I get here? I used to be one of them...not so long ago. And now here I am with my feet smushed into shoes that make my toes feel all cramped up like the back pew in church. (Baptist, of course.)

Life just flies by, doesn't it?

I came home to a toasty little trailer filled with two farm dogs, one cat, and one boy. He pulled my toes apart (TMI? never.) and I sat on the couch, listening to this over and over. And then we talked about how big my feet are and Andrew tried to convince me that if he didn't have a crazy long 2nd toe, that my feet would be bigger.

I would just like to state for the record, that my big toe is about a half of an inch shorter than his. (even though it doesn't look it in this picture)

and as I sat there, soaking in my work day that lasted from 7:30 a.m. to 8:30 p.m., I thought to myself, here you are.

Here you are.

Here you are.

And I smiled, 'cause my heart feels pretty full right about now.

a gift

A Mr. Rogers Song

what do you do with the mad that you feel?
when you feel so mad you could bite
when the whole wide world seems oh so wrong and nothing you do seems very right
what do you do?
do you punch a bag, do you pound some clay or some dough, do you round up friends for a game of tag or see how fast you go?
it's great to be able to stop when you planned a thing that's wrong and be able to do something else instead and think this song.
i can stop when i want to
i can stop when i wish
i can stop stop stop anytime
and what a good feeling to feel like this and know that the feeling is really mine.
know that there's something deep inside that helps us becomes what we can
for a girl can be someday a lady and boy can be someday a man.

(If you have 7 minutes, you should listen to this. )

A few weeks ago, I was taking pictures during a middle school geography bee at the school that I work at. It was down to the final two-a boy and a girl. Everything slowed down at that last question. The judges announced that he had won and I snapped a picture. I watched through the lens as the small girl lowered her head and alligator tears began to flow. Her entire face looked like the world was crashing down. The amount of pressure that she had put on herself was heartbreaking to watch--because I knew that I was that girl.

When did we start? Were we 11? 7? 5? When did we start beating ourselves up for not being good enough?

Just like Mr. Rogers said, we can stop.

I guess I have been really taking a look at patterns that I have created in my life and I'm ready to break them.

Won't you stick around to help me? Thanks.

make it beautiful

In light of all of the negative activity going on in my brain right now (I'm planning on somewhat trying to sort this out shortly....) I have to send out this light of love to anyone that I can.

Everyone should have a Priscilla in their life. How did I go this far without one? I don't know. But having her 3 miles down the road from me is like a little gift from God.

Her blog is called Make it Beautiful. Right now she is campaigning to bring happiness into the world through these two little girls.

I dare you not to tear up.

So just give a little. I stopped feeling sorry for myself as soon as I read their story....try it out. :)

a tiny goodbye.

i'm going to clear my mind for a bit. a small internet machine detox.

thanks for reading my little blog and being so lovely.

not sure if this chapter is closed or not but it is a darn good chapter.

i just have to focus on some really great things going on right now. I don't want to pass them by. :)

xoxo.

POST EDIT: 1/18: I am a little dramatic. I think I just had a bad night and felt like things would calm down in my life if I put social media on hold. And a little of that is true. I'll be back really soon. :) (like probably in an embarrassingly short amount of time)

let's break up all this self help talk, shall we?

kitty-snake found here.

:) Happy Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

falling and flying

image source ?

i said sometimes i just want to stay in bed all day, watching t.v. by myself.
alone.
he laughed and said me too.
and I laid beside a boy that is a man who will soon be my husband.
he said talk to me,
and so I did.
my face felt raw, like opening my mouth somehow exposed the worlds that are living upstairs.
it almost felt wrong.
but then the boy that is a man who will soon be my husband saw me,
and said it's okay.
and he did not look away.
and I knew I was safe.

Cheerios

This week was in one word..

wildcrazyohmygodwasitevergoingtoend.

I think I need a list to get started.

1. My mom is in town. I came home to a kitchen filled with gravy smothered pork chops last night. Heaven. Can she just come move in? Please?

2. It was cold as balls here all week. I've never understood that phrase....but it was darn cold.

3. I maybe got the tub of Neapolitan ice cream out the other night and ate half of it. Then I woke up the next morning at 5 am tenderly hugging the toilet. Why do I do this to myself? Just face it girl, you can't eat dairy.

4. My mom is going to see me in my wedding dress for the first time tomorrow morning! AHH!! yay!

5. I am now, Coach McQueen. The Varsity cheerleading coach at school had a leave of absence, and when my boss came in worried about how to fill the position for the next 5 weeks---I just couldn't contain myself.

"I WAS CAPTAIN OF MY CHEERLEADING SQUAD AND CHEERED ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL. I'LL DO IT!"

It just came out. I couldn't stop the words coming from my mouth. So now, I am working with a lovely group of 13 High School students.

It's pretty cool. I'll keep you updated. It should be a wild ride for the next 5 weeks.

And of course, I am channeling Sue Sylvester. I am waiting for UPS to deliver my track suit any day now.

Happy Friday Folks!

one year

"for whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God."

Ruth 1:16

i love you a bushel and a peck.

Saturday Morning

it's cold outside.

thankfully the wood stove beside me is rolling with heat, crackling and popping in the silence of morning.

i sit alone, looking out the window.

i nervously think in my mind what i should be doing.

shouldn't i be cooking breakfast?

shouldn't i be preparing for my trip later today?

the dogs start barking outside, an act that on most mornings fills my chest with anxiety at each bark.

so i sit.

and listen.

and breath the cold air up my nose and slowly out.

and turned down the volume of my mind.

and that one moment became beautiful, peaceful.

i'm working on filling my days with these.

one at a time.

(i also find peace while eating biscuits and gravy too, just in case you were wondering...)

breathing today.

image found here.

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are… Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect Tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.

- Mary Jean Iron


Finding it a little hard to breathe easy today.
but that's okay. it is.
Because I will take today, breath by breath and not let this Monday pass me by in hopes of something bigger or better.
One of my New Year's Resolution was to be kinder to myself. To put my own hand over my heart and say, "it's okay. you are okay. you are enough."

Here is my first chance.

love.