You know how you have that one room that just collects unopened boxes after a move? Oh you know that room. Due to an upcoming event at la casa de trailer, I was forced into going through these boxes that sat in a barn for over 9 months after the move from Richmond.
Talk about piles of just....you know what. When did I acquire all of these nicknacks? It was a beast of a project that took me almost an entire day of watching "Moulin Rouge" over and over to clean the boxes out. (I clean to my favorite movies...it inspires me).
Then I found a box full of old journals. I have lugged around these suckers for years. They are just dripping in college & post college ANGST. Oh, how I wish I could just go back and shake my shoulders and tell myself how it was all going to be O-K.
I couldn't help but get a little sad last night, as I sat reading a journal that I wrote my senior year of college. I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities & how I didn't think I was good enough for this...or why aren't I good enough for that.... I don't know how I ever graduated.
And then it inevitably happens: I read something that I wrote 5 years ago that I am still writing in my journal today. The same negative thoughts or "problems" that I have with myself. Will I look back in ten years and want to shake the shoulders of my 26 year old self? Probably. But what I did learn from reading through my old friends last night was that I want to be kind to myself. Maybe if I am just a little more gentle with my soul then I will grow past these thoughts that have not disappeared from my journal entries.
Or, maybe I need to write a letter to myself like this .
I don't think that I need to make it a habit to read my old journals. I want to keep them for the memories but I also like clean fresh pages that aren't soaping wet in anxiety. I just need to fill those new pages with more compliments and less judgments.
ps. I am jessie spano
5 comments:
OMG, you are NOT Jesse Spano, but if you want to reenact her "soo excited" scene later, I will definitely participate! I agree with you on the journals thing....it's crazy how we think about ourselves. I don't pull mine out too often, but sometimes when I do I see that a lot of the things I used to wish for, have come true. When you put it out there into the universe...it comes back to you. I wrote a little something for you over at www.readwriteheal.com.
xoxo thank you love. I needed that.
Hello. I was steered over to your blog a while ago by Patti Digh over at 37 Days. By the way, I love the picture of you and your mother at the top. :)
And speaking of journals, I know what you mean. When I read through my old ones, I usually cringe at what I've written. And like you said, you see how every thing you worried about three or five or ten years ago all worked out. So while it's cringe-worthy it's also encouraging!
any follower of Patti Digh is a friend of mine! Thanks for dropping me a line Emily! It's so bittersweet to read things of our youth...ya know? Part of you just wants to portal back into time, part of you sees how far you have com! So happy to meet you!
i have journals spanning from first grade to present day, and sometimes it's hilarious to read some of the old entries. other times, i question the repetitive (that ANGST you mentioned? yeah.) themes too.
here's to clean fresh pages and tbs for saved by the bell reruns every morning. xxxx
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