You know how you have that one room that just collects unopened boxes after a move? Oh you know that room. Due to an upcoming event at la casa de trailer, I was forced into going through these boxes that sat in a barn for over 9 months after the move from Richmond.
Talk about piles of just....you know what. When did I acquire all of these nicknacks? It was a beast of a project that took me almost an entire day of watching "Moulin Rouge" over and over to clean the boxes out. (I clean to my favorite movies...it inspires me).
Then I found a box full of old journals. I have lugged around these suckers for years. They are just dripping in college & post college ANGST. Oh, how I wish I could just go back and shake my shoulders and tell myself how it was all going to be O-K.
I couldn't help but get a little sad last night, as I sat reading a journal that I wrote my senior year of college. I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities & how I didn't think I was good enough for this...or why aren't I good enough for that.... I don't know how I ever graduated.
And then it inevitably happens: I read something that I wrote 5 years ago that I am still writing in my journal today. The same negative thoughts or "problems" that I have with myself. Will I look back in ten years and want to shake the shoulders of my 26 year old self? Probably. But what I did learn from reading through my old friends last night was that I want to be kind to myself. Maybe if I am just a little more gentle with my soul then I will grow past these thoughts that have not disappeared from my journal entries.
Or, maybe I need to write a letter to myself like this .
I don't think that I need to make it a habit to read my old journals. I want to keep them for the memories but I also like clean fresh pages that aren't soaping wet in anxiety. I just need to fill those new pages with more compliments and less judgments.
ps. I am jessie spano