on money and fear and choice

(this photo has nothing to do with the topic, but it does make me happy.  so there.)

I am no zen master on how to deal with finances.  Quite the opposite but I do feel like I have journeyed from being so petrified of bills that I wouldn't open my mail to where I am today.

And I am still, still, trying so hard.

I got a text from Andrew about how much it would cost to fix my car.  It's one of those cars---you know the kind.  Likes to act up juuuust as soon as you feel like you have some savings stashed away.

As I read the text, which was padded with "okay, now, don't freak out...." I could feel my eyes well up with tears.  My chest tightened and my mind went blank.  I would normally make fun of myself here for being overly-dramatic, but I think we all know what this feeling is like all too well.  

I took a gulp to wash down the lump in my throat and headed for the bathroom--my place of retreat when I am at work.  What is already a scary situation becomes even further compounded when you are about to bring a baby into the world, oh yeah and that I will not be working full-time come February.  

Deep breathes. I closed my eyes.  I felt her move.  I prayed.

"I will not choose fear.  I will not choose fear.  I am full.  I know You will take care of us.  I will not choose fear"

I sent it out to the universe without one tear dropping down my face.  I don't have another choice.  I have to believe that everything will be okay.  I don't have room in my body to choose fear anymore.  Just yesterday I had a deep feeling that I would have to release my fears about money.  I think I even remember saying almost the same prayer to myself.  

Now, in the past, my reaction to sending out a prayer about money woes only to be answer by an unexpected large bill the next day would have made me think the world was against me.  I just can't ever get ahead or this always happens to me might have been my self-pity mantra.  But this time, I did not choose fear.  It is my choice and I want to change the way I think about money for myself and for my family.

I don't know if this sort of conversation helps anybody else.  I just know that I am at a place in life where I do not want the fear of not having money to rule my world and I don't know another way to deal with it other than to let it go and know I believe that I will be taken care of.